Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married