Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.