“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.