We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.