Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*