I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
brian had himself a morning…
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat