4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom