ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.