ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.