Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
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my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.