I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
You have been warned.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody