How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!