if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Why is this me 😫
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name