‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.