Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
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Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Growing up was a huge mistake
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy