Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
me irl
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words