Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it