My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.