I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
#DesignFail
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”