Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Very good! 👍😂
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.