Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Many hands make light work
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”