If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
This meal prepping shit is easy
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!