A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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Twitter remains undefeated
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”