hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*