Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
When I laugh on my period
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Good morning.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Sending in my taxes
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.