Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
You Might Also Like
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Brands during Pride
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.