A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
This cat wants you to take your pills
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open