Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
buys donuts instead
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*