The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work