An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
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My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
accurate
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
🤣
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.