[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
my mom making me talk to relatives
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I’d love this…lol
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans