I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
You Might Also Like
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police