I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
You Might Also Like
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?