Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Did I do this right
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs