Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon