What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasnât a part of the baby making ceremony I donât want to be a part of naming it.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
popsicle not seeing heaven đ
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
The name âBoeingâ makes so much sense now considering itâs basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My phone says âmissed callsâ. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: Whatâs the nightmare part?
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…