Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer