I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
You Might Also Like
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Wait for it
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.