Hitlers gonna hitl
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Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex