HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. đ
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If you canât take me at my most inappropriate, you donât deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Iâm hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of âhow to parent a geniusâ type books to leave around the house.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesnât value his life
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldnât have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell đđđ
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Iâm married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, Iâll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I donât usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an âoutstandingâ medical bill
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
You dunk one babyâs foot in ranch dressing and suddenly youâre banned from the salad bar.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.