Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Same post same
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣