Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”