Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: