I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I think this cat is broken
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.