There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
let’s discuss
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.