My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time