I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.