Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*