Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My first child will be named New Folder.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*