My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.